I had a chance to catch up with Kara Buller while she's not calling me and asking me if she should do Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Or Long Days Journey into Night for her opening scene or asking if she needs to clip her mullet wig some more or whatever current crisis she is dealing with.

Now the last time I interviewed you, you were about to embark on a trip to Asia. How did that go?

Terribly. So terribly I wrote a show about it called Khmer You! It's a comedy about Cambodia. I realized this is kind of "pushing it" so I've tabled that project. Actually, Asia was fantastic and I consider it my "life's greatest accomplishment", in case you were wanting to do a Proustian survey ala back page of Vanity Fair. Hello?

Kara, tell me about your current show... Why am I not in it?

This is "Kara Buller Live!" I'm really trying to stick with that theme. Keeping it Kara Buller and keeping it live. It's no slight to anyone else, it's just the name of the show and I'm really trying to honor that.

What is your favorite memory of performing with me?

My all-time favorite performance memory is the night Kim (Name withheld) was playing Aunt Martha to my Aunt Abby in Crystal Lake Central's 1994 mounting of "Arsenic and Old Lace." I forget who you played, but Kim completely blanked out, forgot her lines and just walked onto the set and said "What about the biscuits Abby?" I was totally not prepared to talk about biscuits. She was supposed to be telling me about a dead body in the basement. It required some quick thinking on my part, so needless to say things did not go smoothly. We ended up chit-chatting about biscuits for five minutes until we remembered to talk about the dead body. We were both very cute and very dim.

You are doing three characters in your show. Coincidentally, "Three's Company" was one of my favorite shows when I was a child. Is your show anything like "Three's Company"? Will there be lots of physical comedy and wacky misunderstandings?

I'm actually doing four characters, but I understand and respect your desire to have it be like Three's Company--if I may infer that from your question. There will be physical comedy---in other words there will be physical things present that will be causing people to laugh. Or that's the idea anyway. I can't give too much away...that really deflates the heart of physical comedy.

Now on Madonna's latest tour she required that the air conditioning be turned off. First, will your show be air conditioned? And what special demands do you have when you are performing?

Yes, the show will be air-conditioned. I demand that I give all of myself to every performance. THAT is my special demand.

I'm running low on cash. Will you buy me a pack of cigarettes or two? How many would you buy me before it became awkward? When would you cut me off?

Me buying you packs of cigarettes has always been an uncomfortable issue. It's just something about their scientifically-proven direct connection to cancer that makes me uncomfortable.

In the press you have been accused of being an "unfit mother" to your newborn son. How do you respond to those allegations?

That is your fantasy. And I am not going to play into your sick fantasy version of me. You and your obsession with unfit mothers. This is big thing with you gys.

Say you were going to see a therapist and some of your checks bounced and then you called her and said that, you know, you'd like her to send you a bill so you could pay your balance in full and then she didn't call you, what would you do?

This has been going on for a while now hasn't it? This issue with Dr. Weiss? I would have her send the bills to my parents. To give them an opportunity to help pay for therapy, that's truly a sign of a child's love and forgiveness.

What is the secret to your success?

I think the key word there was "secret."

Please list the entire contents of your handbag...

Ipod, wallet, Kiehls lipgloss, tape dispenser for hanging up posters, checkbook for paying theater rent each Friday, cellphone for texting you and that Italian guy with the sxy and toxic personality... Do you think I should cut off all communication with him? He calls me Babe! It's so 80s! I love it!

Let's say you are a gay man who lives in Chicago and you have never had a real boyfriend....Do you think you will ever have a boyfriend? Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong with you?

I'd say I will. I would clip out a picture of a hot man and look at each day and say a silent prayer to God. Thoughts become things. It's true! It happened with the leather bomber jacket I wanted in 7th grade.

Who is the funniest person you know? Who has always been there for you?

You are, of course dear. Who has always been there? My mom.