This special Saturday edition of the Bastion is a story that could absolutely not wait until Monday. The Bastion was fortunate enough to sit down for a few minutes with the inspirational self-help guru, Mr. Bob Right. Feeling a bit directionless, we knew chatting with Mr. Right could help us re-focus and find our way out of the dark and back on the path... to happiness.

Hello Mr. Right. You're a motivational speaker that addresses such topics as career and relationships. As a single woman nearly 30 in Chicago, what advice would you have for me regarding finding Mr. Right (haha, I guess I did find him, eh? nudge nudge!)?

Hold on here, Hold on, time out...you mean to tell me you're a woman you're almost 30 and you aren't married yet...WOW! WOW! WOW! You must have severe problems. I would suggest you start to dress like a lady of the evening, a street walker if you will...No man in his right mind would ever want to date or marry a woman of your years. This is why you should cheapen yourself; at least you can have some good sex! Well, at least you have no family so you can start to really think about career.

That's funny, I was just going to mention my 'career'. Bob, I have to be honest with you: I'm pretty disgruntled at my day job, but it pays the bills. My true passion is writing. How can I possibly do this for a living and get out of the office?

Why would you want to leave your job? The point is not to do something you like, you should be practical at all times. Give up on your little dream of ever being a writer -- it will only lead to disappointment and the point is to avoid disappointment at all costs. Never 'take a chance' -- if you haven't become a professional writer by now you probably never will. THESE ARE THE KEYS TO HUMAN HAPPINESS!

You're obviously very influential and motivating. Who are YOU influenced by? Where does YOUR motivation stem from?

My motivations comes from one simple truth...MONEY...I want your MONEY! Hitler is a big influence, not because of his politics -- they were dead wrong -- and he was a bad person, but look at the power that guy had when he spoke...

Can you paint us a picture of Bob Right's life growing up, and how he became the successful speaker he is today?

That is simply not allowed...I will never let anyone into my life -- that is how you avoid anyone hurting you!

Who are some of your greatest success stories? How many people has Bob Right saved?

My greatest success stories are too numerous to count...come see me at the MIX on Sunday, October 8 at 8 p.m. and witness the power.

I am sorry for getting this to you late but I have been busy prepping for my next seminar at the Red Roof Inn in Portland, OR.