Impress These Apes is back for season two. We conducted a terrifying but necessary interview with Hollywood Ape and got some scoop on the new season of simian terror, human oppression, and, oh yeah, lots and lots of laughs.

When and where is the Apes 2 kickoff?

We begin the torture of contestants on Thursday August 2nd, upstairs at the Improv Olympic, at 8:00 p.m. It will run every Thursday for 2 months.

What's new, exciting, and banana-scented about season two?

Well, we had to learn a new dance for the opening, it was choreographed by the lovely, but non-simian Erica Reid Gerdes. There are tons of new challenges, and a new bonus point system that will change the face of ape-judged talent shows. It is truly groundbreaking for talent shows administered by apes.

For the uninitiated, what exactly happened at the end of last season, and why do you need to come back again? Wasn't all of that "fate of the planet and all of humankind" stuff settled then?

Well, the fact is, we never left. At the end of last season, our Time Machine broke. Now we must harness the talent of the new batch of contestants to try and power that mofo up. Humankind is still in some serious shit. The plot of Impress these Apes is very important, I'm glad, dear interviewer, that you are aware of its intricacies.

Are you going to torture the human contestants with new tasks this time around? What will they be forced to do for your superior simian amusement?

This year we have 87% new tasks! They will stretch the "talent" of our contestants to the breaking point. Also, did I mention the new bonus point system, a system that has yet to be seen in any talent based competition-type show (that involves apes.)?

What do you and the other apes do for fun in between shows?

What do we do for fun...hmm...well, for the last two weeks, I've been traveling around to grade schools spoiling Harry Potter. I pose as an actor doing a one man show about Mark Twain, and then right when I get to the part about Twain's friendship with Financier Henry Huttleston Rogers (about 30 minutes into the show) I rip off my wig and throw down my pipe and yell some crazy-ass spoiler from book 7....You wouldn't believe the look on these kids' faces when they realize that the last 10 years of their literary lives have been ripped asunder by a hyper intelligent ape. As for the other guys, in their spare time, Apehab yachts and Barry Shirley makes his own jeans.

How smart are you exactly? Can your intelligence really be measured by traditional human IQ scores?

Yes, dummy, nice question. Humans evolved from apes, so the same test works for both.

I know you're not actually one of them, but what's the deal with those red-assed baboon things at the zoo? Really, they're kind of weird. what's with them?

Those apes are the kind of monkeys that you can take home from the bar, but you can't take home to mom. Believe me, as a famous ape actor, I've intercoursed all types of apes, and these are the most unsavory of the lot.

Are you ever going to let Scoresboard off his leash and let him find a new mate?

HAHA, that's ripe. Recently we reanimated his former love and allowed him a conjugal, then midway through the conjugal we de-animated her, his face was priceless!! We are gonna try and get the video up on YouTube, it is just too funny.

- Elizabeth McQuern