As promised, The Bastion's exclusive chat with Impress These Apes Season 2 winner Kristen Studard, who rapped, danced, storytold, Annette Bening'ed, and perved her way into our hearts. God bless you, K-Stud!

First of all, Kristen, thanks for saving the future of humanity, what with your apes-crushing talent and all. Seriously, thanks. What are you going to do with the giant cash prize?

You're welcome. I'm going to Australia for three weeks in February, so I put the money away for that trip. $250 US Dollars is equal to $281.71 Australian Dollars. So I'm really looking to grow my money in a foreign market.

What's your background in comedy here in our fair city, and were you a fan of the first Apes shows before auditioning for season two?

I moved to Chicago to study improv in October of 2004 and have completed the training center at iO and the Second City Conservatory and just started classes at The Annoyance. I currently play on the Harold team Roadster and in the improvised movie Our Feature Presentation at iO. I'm a former member of the now defunct Missfits (Playground team) and Documentary South (DSI). I've been in a few sketch shows in Donny's Skybox, most notably in three shows written by The Geekouts. We performed our greatest hits show "The Bestest Stuff" to Chicago Sketchfest 2007.

I was a big fan of the first season of Impress These Apes. I thought it was such a cool idea for a show and a great challenge for the performers. Also, I danced with the Chicago Sashay Company during the finale at the Lakeshore Theatre. (You may recognize the CSC from our pre-show performances at Don't Spit The Water. We're the ones wearing the track jackets.) I knew after seeing all those great performances that I definitely wanted to audition for the next season.

How much work goes into being an Apes contestant?

A lot. I am now very familiar with the aisle layout of Jo-Ann Fabrics. More that anything, the hardest part about Apes is feeling like you should always be working on it since you only have a week.

Which talent was your favorite to perform?

Week 4: Stand-up with a puppet. It was a lot of work making the puppet and I had no idea how my act would go over, but it was really fun to perform. Someone told me after the show that week, "I've never seen someone sexually harass themself." I'll take that as a compliment.

Any hot insider gossip? Any behind-the-scenes flirtation we should report on?

Well, I think it's pretty clear that Hollywood Ape and Jenny Staben forged a very special relationship throughout the competition. Also, Brady Novak and I are on our way to becoming best friends. Jarrad Apperson is not a natural redhead.

Did you really referee a cereal eating contest at work? If so, how can we get your job?

Yes, you can see footage here. Click "Watch The Video". We had a pumpkin carving contest last Friday. No video footage of that, but it's safe to say that I lucked out in the job department.

That moment in week five, where you directly addressed your estranged dad, was very touching. Can you tell us a little about the fact that he looked for you online and found Apes clips, and that you responded to him online in an Apes clip?

I got a lot of positive response to that week's challenge and I'm really glad that people were touched by it. At first it felt a little invasive that he was able to see videos of me when we hadn't talked in so long, but it was great that I was able to acknowledge that I had received the email in the Week 5 challenge without actively reaching out. Perfect for my passive aggression.

How are you going to fill the void in your life now that Thursdays are free on your calendar?

I'm working on finding a venue for a staged reading of a Seinfeld spec script that Steve O'Brien wrote when he was 12. I'm absolutely serious. This will happen.

A re-post of Kristen's week eight winning talent effort, a performance which renders adjectives trite and metaphors flat and useless:

- Elizabeth McQuern